Where Am I?

Movement & the Search for the Eternal Whatever

The Other Side of Wanderlust
Happy the clam
Leaving. Movement. Vagabonding. Wanderlust. Steinbeck called it an "incurable disease" (I've never actually read Steinbeck, but I found this awesome quote. Yay for Google.) and I can't think of a better description. Some of us are born with it, maybe it's hereditary (I know my dad has it, too). It courses through our veins & we can try to fight it, but eventually, we have to give in. For weeks, months, years, on and off, in varying forms, it gets its way.

But then, for some of us-for me, life happens. I fell in & out of love, I had a child, I had to grow up. Because it wasn't just me anymore. Because I need to do the right thing for my son, because he's more important than me. Because children need stability & good influences & moms with careers & money & degrees, who do important things, because they love what they do. And I do love what I do, & I want to finish school, for both of us. We have a life here, & we're doing alright-well on our way to good, even.

But the road still calls. I ignore it, I remind myself of all the reasons I have to stay, that I don't have to stay forever, but for a few more years. I'm really, truly better off here for at least a few more years. A few more years seems like a life sentence right now, but I suppress the urge to leave. I stay for now, for Ben. Maybe for myself. And most of the time, it's not the desperate craving it once was, but merely a dull ache, present, but easily ignored, unlikely to interfere.

Until someone enters my life just long enough to awaken the desperate craving, to remind me of that one last piece of myself that I'd lost for so long, that I can't actually have back yet. He is directly in the middle of a fit of wanderlust, he exudes movement. He leaves the way I did so many years ago. And maybe that's part of the attraction, but I have no intention of having any real feelings for this person who has no intention of staying, who couldn't stay if he tried.

Something about him catches me off guard, though. I trip, & when I stand, I'm experiencing actual emotions. This wasn't supposed to happen. I try to live in the moment, to just enjoy what it is, knowing full well that it could never be more. I know he's going to leave. And he does, without warning. A good memory. A good time. A redemption of myself. A reminder. And I'm grateful for all these things, & I'm glad that he will always be all these things, that he'll never have the chance to be another dumb boy who treats me like shit.

But something opened up for him. It wasn't supposed to, but it did. He was gone within moments, but the opening remained. Just a small space of empty, of wish-you-were-here, and a renewed desire to move once again. And so I remain, a little more empty, but also a little more full, to watch him leave, unable to follow, waiting to hear from him again, and wondering why I care. I wasn't supposed to care.

Writer's Block: Starting Out Fresh
Happy the clam
Many people believe that what you do on New Year's Day sets the tone for your entire year. How did you spend the first day of 2009? Do you think it will influence the rest of the year?
You know, I kind of hope it does, for once. I spent the day drinking coffee and walking around a beautiful park with a seemingly awesome boy.

Happy the clam
Boy. :)

Why Not...
Happy the clam
Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

In October I invaded Iraq, broke it, and couldn't glue it back together before Mom got home (-1012 points). Last Thursday I gave never_here a wet willie, then I took it back (-5 points). In May I gave rudezombie a kidney (1000 points). In June I caught a purse-snatcher who stole lemonysnicket's purse (30 points). In January I ruled Duluth, Minnesota as a kind and benevolent dictator (700 points).

Overall, I've been nice (713 points). For Christmas I deserve an XBox 360!


Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:

Things I Can't Actually Say
Happy the clam
Dear Girl,
I understand that you want to stand by N's side and support him. That you want to try to fight his battles, or at least be present for them. You want to protect and mother him, and on a level that you're not quite ready to admit to, make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. I absolutely understand this. I did it for 6 years.

However, this discussion, inasmuch as it is necessary (which is very little) has absolutely nothing to do with you. Your boyfriend's inability to pay child support affects exactly 3 people-myself, him, and Ben. Ben, of course, doesn't need to know about these issues. We all agree on that, at least. So that means that this is between N and me. And the state. And not you. The only way that this concerns you is in that you might want to think about the fact that you're dating a guy who's paid a total of $75 in child support in the last 8 months.

Also, you said at least 3 times, "That's why you're not together," in reference to N and my inability to get along. As a matter of fact, this is completely wrong. We had problems, yes, but the constant fighting came about after I left him. We are not together because he is a lying, cheating piece of fuck, who cared more about staying out until 4am drinking, smoking pot and screwing his coworkers than he did about about his infant son or said infant's mother. Because I was tired of sitting up all night with the baby, crying and wondering if he was going to come home. Oh, and there was that thing where he flipped out and trashed the apartment-kicking walls in, breaking glass, throwing ceramic mailboxes across the living room- while our 6-month old slept in the other room. We're not together because I didn't want to raise my son in that environment, and because I cared more about my son than myself.

You probably don't know this. I want to tell you everything. I want you to look up the signs of emotional abuse, just so you know what to watch for. I sincerely hope that you're smarter than I was. And I want to know what you get out of thrusting yourself into my son's life-and whether that was really your decision or N's. He's not yours. I'm sure he's safer with you around than with just his dad, but I still don't like you being around every single time. I want N to be with his son. I don't want my baby to get hurt, and you just don't know what kind of hurt N can cause. I don't want to see you hurt the way I was, and I really don't want my son to see it. I don't want my son to see the way his father treats women, and think it's okay.

I can't tell you any of this, even the relatively harmless bits, because I'm still a little afraid of him. Because he's totally unpredictable. He may seem calm now, but you never can quite tell when the storm will hit. And it will. I just hope my son isn't around for it. And that you come out of it better than I do-or at least have the sense not to let it go on for quite as long.


(no subject)
Happy the clam
It's so hard to let them leave with my baby. Even when it's only for a few hours.

Writer's Block: Legends of Rock
Happy the clam
There are a few concerts that go down in musical history—Altamont, Woodstock, Live Aid, the Hannah Montana Best of Both Worlds tour—as legendary experiences. What live show stands as legend in your own experience?
Seriously, people, I'm pretty sure the Hannah Montana thing was a joke. Laugh!

But, Lilith Fair was pretty legendary-Indigo Girls, Sarach Maclachan, Natalie Merchant, and a few other awesome chicks on stage together= girly awesomeness. And of course, Radiohead was amazing.

Supermonkey and Porktamer win the Legendarily Bad award.

Douchepants Part II
Happy the clam
So today. Actually, yesterday. Ben's daycare can't take him (for ratio reasons) until 11am on Thursdays. I work at 10. Generally, he watches him from 10-12. When we were discussing the whole visitation thing, he said "and I can still do Thursdays."
So yesterday he calls me (while I'm in class) and asks if he has to watch him Thursday. Because of the drive, he'd rather take him all day or not at all. Which is actually reasonable. I told him it probably wouldn't be an issue, because the kid who brings it out of ratio that day is leaving.

But it turns out she's not leaving for 2 weeks. So I call him this evening (the 1st chance I get, but I guess not early enough) and say I still need him. I had actually assumed he'd want to do the all day thing, but he's all "I don't want to drive to GP for 2 hours." So I'm like "okay, let me see if I can find another option." Option 1 fails, so I try option 2. It's kind of a sucky option, but it should work.

I call to tell him this, and THIS is when he brings up the "Oh, I could watch him all day" thing again. So I say "That's fine. What are you going to do?" (Very friendly and non-chalant, btw.)
And he says, "Oh, I'll prob run some errands & then take him back to my house." Which, of course, does not work for me. So he's like, "I don't want to be at your house, or drive around GP for 7 hours (obviously the only options). If I can't have it my way, then I don't want to see him at all." Obviously, there's a lot more arguing involved-and 2 separate phone calls. He pretty much said that the reason he doesn't want to be at my house is because that's how I want it. So control.

So it ends with, "Fine, if that's how you want it." But no, he can't have that: "No, it's how YOU want it. This is YOUR decision." Because he couldn't possibly take responsibility for anything.

But then he calls back an hour later with, "How about if I take him to my house, and you pick him up?" Beyond the fact that it doesn't even make sense, there's no way I'm driving to Ashland and back after working all day-plus I "have" to be at the gym at 6. And OMG homework. Bah!

So we end with I'm going to go there on Saturday (in my fucking spare time, but anyway...), and he's still not going to watch him tomorrow.

So, if anyone does read this, um, do me a favor and rate it on a scale of one-to-douche. I'm sort of wondering if I'm overreacting, because he's always a douche. But I'm fairly certain I haven't asked for anything unreasonable.

Douchy McDouchington
Happy the clam
Okay, so since I don't think anyone reads this thing anyway, I'm going to use it to whine about/ record all of our latest and greatest arguments.

A little backstory: a few weeks ago, he was like "so, I'm thinking about moving to Ashland." (An hour away). "How will visitation look?" What he wanted was to have Ben all day on Sundays-at his house, rather than just for a few hours in the afternoon.

We've been over and over the issue that I'd rather he not shove his girlfriend into Ben's life, but I finally conceded on that part. I wish Ben was more of a priority for him, but there's really not that much I can do about it.

So, against all judgment, and feeling very uncomfortable about it already, I said, "okay, BUT I want to see the place and talk to her 1st."

He was all "why do you want to talk to her? are you just going to use the opportunity to talk sh*t?" And I'm like "Srsly, it's not about you. I just want to know who she is if you're going to insist that she be a part of Ben's life."

The conversation ended there, until the next week, when he was like, "oh, I live in Ashland now, so can I take Ben all day?" I reiterated my previous stipulations. And suddenly, the problem was my seeing his apt., not my talking to girl. He's really, really adamant that I don't see his apartment, which makes me think that either he's hiding something or it's more power trip.

I met her, we talked-sort of. That part's fine. I wish I could have said more. A lot more. But I wouldn't want to risk "talking shit." Anyway, he's still arguing the other part. The last couple weeks he's brought her to hang out with him in the afternoon- just taking him to the park for a bit. I'm not liking this whole "we've set a precedent that she can be around, so now it's both of us every time" thing, because I still feel like when he's with Ben, he should be with Ben, not her.

Anyway, I'm going to take a shower and then finish this...

(no subject)
Happy the clam
N and girl have munchkin. It makes me sad. I don't know if it should.

There's no happy medium with him. I have to either love him or hate him. Most of the time, I hate him. Like really, really hate him. Which he may well deserve, but it isn't helping anyone. As much as I would love to just tell him to f*** off and never talk to him again, he's still Ben's dad. And Ben loves him so much, and he's trying-at least, to be the best dad he knows how to be. That might not be the dad I wish he were, but it's enough that Ben deserves to have at least that much of a dad...

But we still fight practically every time we talk, and it's me as much as it's him, and it's a big fucking power struggle. He's used to having the power in our relationship, and so tries to reexert it. Meanwhile, I'm ultra-defensive because there's no way in hell I'm going to let him.

I know that he's not well, and arguing is pointless, because he won't listen to reason. Because his reality is so different from mine. I wish he could see that and get some help. Maybe I'm just as crazy, since even though I know this, I keep trying.

So I'm trying not to fight with him. I'm trying not to hate him, even, because my life is pretty good right now. The only time I'm ever sad, mad, depressed, is because of him. So I've been trying to think of the positives about him. The reasons why I stayed with him for so long. I mean, I didn't always hate him. Mostly, there are moments. Sadly, the holidays bring those back a little stronger.

But I can't just say, "See, he's a person sometimes. Treat him like one. Just deal." No, then I have to miss him. Not him, not Noah, but that guy. That awesome guy that existed in moments, in crystallized fragments of balconies and fireworks and cake and expensive champagne. Of origami and falafel and snow and football (yes, even football). Of just being together. Of love being enough.

And then I cry because he'll never be that guy-maybe he never was. Because I was supposed to have that. That guy was supposed to be my son's father, and we were supposed to live happily ever after. And it's just not fair that he's not real. That wasn't part of the plan. And after all this time, there's still a piece of me that wants to find that guy, to bring him back out. Not forever, I know that won't happen. But for a moment. I could have it back for another moment...

I think I need someone new. Not love, you can't find that by looking, but a distraction.

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